Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife and I received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, Mr. Samsel has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2.  July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July  7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July  19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ”Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!”  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor, that in turn produced a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk  asked if they could help him he began crying and  screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”  EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and  used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.  October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13.  October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK  ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES  AGAIN!”
And last, but not  least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.”  One of our clerks passed out.
Clearly, you will understand why you are no longer welcome in our store.

Target

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.

Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks.

“Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit  Las Vegas .”"

They go to  Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?”

The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.  You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies,”Ribbit Kiss Me.”

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. “

And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me or my name is not Tiger Woods.”

http://flashfabrica.com/f_learning/brain/brain.html

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/video/3318/q02-220.html

PS: I don’t consider PETA email ‘junk’.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.

‘We must do something about father,’ said the son.

‘I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.’

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, ‘What are you making?’ Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
‘Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.’

The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
A rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life..’

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands.You nee d to be able to throw something back sometimes.

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you
But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others,
Your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.