Really. Who in their right mind would create a blog about junk email?
Actually, we know you secretly read each one just in case you actually get something good. At The Best Of Junk Email, we have sifted, for several years, through hundreds of them. You won’t find the little fairy emails that want you to send to 60 friends right away or a bad fairy spell will be cast on you. Gosh no. All our emails were hand picked because they will change your day, in some way. Sad? Go check out the funny ones. Bored? Go check out the thoughtful ones. Suicidal? Read them all. You’ll realize there are more people out there much crazier than you are.
The really sad thing is that every one of these gems has landed in my email box and for some neurotic reason, I kept them. See? There are people out there crazier than you.
Message to Parents: I do not post really outrageous or raunchy material here. No kids pointing guns at squirrels, no bad swearing, nothing gruesome (well, the accident in Germany, but they likely won’ get it like you would) so you can let them surf this blog without worry that little Billy won’t need years of therapy after.
And I have a favor to ask, kind of a little experiment I’m doing.
Please send this blog link to everyone you know.
I’m curious as to how long it takes to make this blog very very busy. Thanks, in advance – “smooch”
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife and I received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, Mr. Samsel has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog?”
Read these instructions before you click on the site.
This will drive you nuts. The site instructions are in Japanese, so read below!
1. Touch ’start’
2. Wait for 3, 2, 1.
3. Memorize the number’s position on the screen, and then click the circle from the smallest number to the biggest number.
4. At the end of game, the computer will tell you the age of your brain.
5. Forward the message and type your calculated age in the subject line.
Good luck!
This is a very comprehensive video of H1N1: how it resembles a 1918 pandemic. Makes you wonder if the avian flu virus was accidental or manufactured…
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/video/3318/q02-220.html
This is a good way to do something very addicting without hurting seals for real.
PS: I don’t consider PETA email ‘junk’.
This guy will explain to you why you don’t have to forward your email, or believe any of those promises or curses: The Soapbox
Really! This is too cute to believe – it will melt the hardest of hearts: Cute Kitten Video
You will remember this tale for a very long time.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
I thought I could talk my way out of it UNTIL the cop looked at my dog in the back seat…..
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5
Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, age 9
It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
If you see a fat man
Who’s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and
a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
While flying around
in a miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
I had a flat tire yesterday so I got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
my car so they faced approaching traffic. They look so real you wouldn’t believe it!
read more…
Miracle Coyote Survives Hit And Run
Meet the wiliest of all coyotes: Hit by a car at 75mph, embedded in the fender, went for 600 miles – and SURVIVED!
When a brother and sister struck a coyote at 75mph they assumed they had killed the animal and drove on.
They didn’t realize this was the toughest creature ever to survive a hit-and-run.
Eight hours, two fuel stops, and 600 miles later they found the wild animal embedded in their front fender – and very much alive.
The coyote was still alive after 600 miles
Daniel and Tevyn East were driving at night along Interstate 80 near the Nevada-Utah border when they noticed a pack of coyotes near the roadside on October 12.
Bachelor Christmas Turkey Recipe
Ingredients:
1 whole turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Rub butter or oil over skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat. Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up. one on each side.
This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breast. Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.
If you’ve followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture below…
Company Memo
————————————————————————
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Read on from here, it gets good…….
read more…
I, sniff, sniff, found this in my, sniff, junk email today. Thought you might like it. Be prepared, sniff, it’s not funny. It’s not sad either, just very, very, sniff, thoughtful…
In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Gramdma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
I’m at odds about this. You have to look at these beans and find the man. Now, should an accountant be faster at this, or slower? What are your thoughts/reasons?
Really – there is a man in there. Somewhere. Supposedly, doctors say if you find the man in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!
I didn’t get a shot. I never get the flu. I rarely get sick at all. Perhaps I prefer to laugh in the face of danger. Or I simply don’t buy into the whole program of fear. Here at this end of the world, the H1N1 shot is now open to everyone, but no one is showing up. Anyone got an answer for this?
I have no idea how I find this stuff but you should know that if I post it here, it’s the best:
I’m sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor’s offices on everything from tissues to exam table cover paper.
Well, in my book, this one should get the prize….
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 25 cents a pack is ridiculous.
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter?
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
Sometimes we wonder, ‘What did I do to deserve this?’ or 
‘Why did God have to do this to me? Here is a wonderful explanation!
A daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong: she’s failing algebra; her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, ‘Absolutely, Mom, I love your cake.’
‘Here, have some cooking oil,’ her Mother offers. ‘Yuck,’ says her daughter.
‘How about a couple raw eggs?’ ‘Gross, Mom!’
read more…
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
” Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
” That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
” That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
” Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
” That I did,” said Paddy.
“Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
* read more…
Tofino is along the BC coastline and some pretty big waves and swells can jump out of nowhere up there. I got this in a junk email today and the ‘friend’ who sent it knew that water and boats turns my stomach as much as eating a week-old McD’s hamburger that’s been sitting in the back seat of a car. Bleck, gasp, eww! Hope you enjoy their ride, ’cause I can’t look at these…signed, water wimp.
I just got this email today. I said I’d never post funny signs, but I picked out the good ones.
Sorry to have to post this in such a funny, uplifting blog, but everyone needs to see this and remember what can happen in a bad accident.
A friend sent this to me via email of a horrible accident in Germany.
The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely you can see what appears to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage!
Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.
The emailer’s friend stayed on the scene to help, and even though he performed mouth the mouth on quite a few of them, none survived.
The photo is below, just to protect the weak and faint of heart. I must warn you if you are young or vulnerable.
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding
Lady: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Lady: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: You don’t have one?
Lady: Lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see … Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Lady: I can’t do that.
They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The storm had come quickly, and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance, and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed!! He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn’t hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn’t resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on.
They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors…
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .’
I’m not much of a sailor, but I will choose a tug the next time I go into the open seas. Watch how this boat survives a bridge crash! Very cool indeed.
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, ‘How about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a s—head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care.
We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.
—————————
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn’t you like to
respond like this?
This is an actual happening from a ‘retired’ friend in Burnaby .
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout
line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
read more…
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacD’s.
…and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
read more…
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
“What food might this contain?” The mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning : “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”
Hah, you should see my neighbors… Anyway, the orangutan was in a rescue mission, depressed and not doing well. This old hound wandered in and the orangutan snapped to – as if his buddy had arrived. He stayed with the hound night and day until he was well. In the whole scenario, the orangutan found a reason to live. They are now inseparable. The photos will make you howl, sorry that was bad…
Ta
ke your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Store your open ed chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won’t get out of your way.
And you can’t seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
A Perspective about old Barns
Only years of standing in the weather , bearing the storms and scorching sun, can produce beautiful barn wood.
A stranger came by the other day with an offer that set me to thinking. He wanted to buy the old barn that sits out by the highway. I told him right off he was crazy. He was a city type, you could tell by his clothes, his car, his hands, and the way he talked.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
